i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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