if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So squirting runs in the family.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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