I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
