the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The feeling are messing with the penis
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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