yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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