It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
