my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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