Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
