grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
