one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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