is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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