Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
