Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
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hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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