i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
