Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
