i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I have vodka in my lungs
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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