I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
