Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
