I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
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I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
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Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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