She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
