At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
