we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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