I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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