I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
