I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
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My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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