So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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