that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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