if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
