Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She announced her abortion via fbk
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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