I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
