i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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