I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
