I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
