Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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