fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
