your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
