Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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