A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
