I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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