He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
