dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I looked at my own cervix.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
