matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
