Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
