theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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