Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
