My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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