You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
