We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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