I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Text me some of your sweat
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