coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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