oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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