My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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