my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
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THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.